Harry Potter and the snaping of thy IKEA pencils
by Elixabr
Summary: A short story made for no purpose other than for amusement. It was written for my friends and is not in any way serious. But, if you are looking for a laugh then read on!


**Harry Potter and the snaping of thy IKEA pencils**

Chapter 1

Harry Potter stared down the IKEA hardware aisle, feeling puzzled. He was looking for Snape, who had disappeared amongst the many shop sections. "Aisle 4," read Harry, looking up at the large sign hanging from the metal ceiling. He looked blankly at an 'even better' hammer, rubbing his lightning scar. Suddenly, there was was a shrill shout from isle seven.

"AH, this blasted measuring ruler. It's not worth the free ice cream anyway!" Harry smirked and made his way towards the home furnishings isle. Creeping slowly behind the aging man, he held his breath, watching Snape's every move. Snape was holding five IKEA pencils and a ruler in one hand, sucking the other. The young wizard Harry lifted his foot as if to take a step, pulling his wand from his black wizard robe. _SNAP._ Harry froze. _SNAP_.He fell to the floor, his face stricken with horror. He clenched his fist around the wand, wailing for all to hear:

"HE SNAPED THE PENCILS!"

Snape turned sharply, a sly smile on his mysterious features. There was a small clatter as the now broken pencils fell to the floor.

Ian pushed his brimming trolley towards the commotion in aisle seven. As he rounded the corner, his trolley swung out of control. He stumbled to stop it, regained his balance and carried on his journey.

Wait, he thought, why is that boy picking up broken pencils and wearing a cloak? And is that a wand?

The boy's face was the picture of pain. Ian watched as he tried and failed to use a spell to fix the pencils. Another man in a cloak, noticeably older, swept past sucking his finger and holding a "Good night sleep" pillow. Without warning, the lightning scarred boy jumped up, pushing his glasses up his nose. A pillow projectile flew into the other man's head of black hair. Ian gasped and ducked.

"SNAPE!" Harry roared, tucking the snaped pencils into his cloak. Brandishing his wand, he pointed it menacingly at his teacher. "I WILL NOT LET THIS BE FORGOTTEN"

Snape growled, then grabbed a piece of cloth from a trolley next to him.

"My futon!" The owner cried, tripping over a discarded wrench on the floor.

Harry dodged the flying futon smartly, only to catch his silky cloak on a lamp shade. Tugging it free, he was struck down by a sharp measuring ruler. Snape cackled. Potter shook his fist at the evil teacher, wincing at the paper cut across his face from the ruler.

"Ha! Now you know the pain that ruler caused me!" Wand in hand, Snape spread his arms wide in triumph, knocking the man who tripped over the wrench into some cloud designed blinds. "I'm unstoppable!"

"Freezum nowextrum!" Yelled Harry. Snape gasped.

Unattaching the cloud blind from his sleeve, Ian ducked behind his trolley.

What is happening? He thought. Now they are saying things? From the wands they have i would guess they're spells? Ian fumbled for his phone as the two madmen threw strange words at each other. Every now and then Ian would see one of the men flail as if they'd been hit by said spells. He tore his eyes from the scene and focused on the phone screen.

"What should i do?" He wondered aloud, opening the camera app and starting to record.

The older one shouted loudly, drawing more attention to the aisle.

"Gous awaecuios!"

The other huffed "Expecto patronum!" and threw a toy deer at him.

A store assistant rushed in between the dueling men, looking angry.

"What is going on here!?"

"Great one Snape" complained Harry, scowling at the giant IKEA building. Snape turned away and crossed his arms sulkily around the "good night sleep" pillow.

"You started it. Thanks to you we got kicked out of the store."

Harry toyed with his wand.

"We didn't get any free ice cream either."

" _I_ didn't get any free ice cream," Snape looked at his wounded finger. "You didn't do any measuring."

Harry sighed.

"Well, I'm off back to Hogwarts."

"Pfsh, I might as well too."

Ian swung the bulging bags over his shoulders. Now to the car, he thought.

He had just finished unloading and was closing the car boot when something black caught his eye. He turned, raised an eyebrow and locked his car. Then casually, he strolled after the two men he had seen fighting earlier on. Let's see what they're up to then, he thought.

"It's _this_ wall" Harry pointed to the old stone brick wall nearest to platform 9.

"No, it's _this_ wall," Snape stood firmly by the wall nearest to platform 10. "Platform 9 ¾ is closer to ten then it is to nine"

"But it's _this_ wall I'm sure if it!" Harry cleaned his glasses on his trousers. "Let's just try both then, the train will be leaving soon"

Ian face palmed as the two men ran straight into the red brick wall nearest platform nine. They both looked stunned, then tried to act normal. Ian edged closer.

"I told you it wasn't this one, Idiot" the old one was saying, rubbing his long hair.

"Yeah, well i know that now" the other sulked.

 _DING_!

The lighting scarred boy's watch lit up. Both men jumped, then bolted towards the other wall. Ian ran after them, catching his foot on a packet of chocolate frogs. He fell forwards onto the young boy, who shouted "AH" quite loudly. As they fell Ian saw a shimmer illuminate around them. Then they were in the floor of another platform.

"Platform 9 ¾?" Read Ian.

"Sorry-got-to-go-gonna-miss-the-train" jumbled Harry, leaping up from the floor and after Snape. He was about to make the epic jump to the train when a rough hand grabbed his cloak and pulled him aboard. He lay sprawled on the floor, waiting for Hermione's wrath.

"You almost missed it!" she said, her tone a little more than just annoyed. "Harry forgot which wall it was" taunted Snape, kicking Harry's back as he tried to get up.

"Quiet you," snapped Hermione, "sleep on your pillow or something"

Snape grumbled, then eventually settled down on his new pillow. Just then, Ron rushed into the carriage, waving some oddly coloured jelly beans.

"Look at these! They're in every flavour possible!" he panted.

"JELLY BEANS AREN'T HEALTHY," Hermione seethed. Her glare sent Ron cowering next to Harry, who was trying to fix the snaped pencils once again.

A while later, a young man walked into the carriage, glanced around, then hastily left after he saw Ron and Harry practicing their magic.

"Wonder what that was about?" said Ron. Hermione spat out the jelly bean she had in her mouth. She made a disgusted face.

"Just keep practicing, we have an exam soon"

Ron cocked his head to one side.

"I thought you said jelly beans weren't healthy"

"I SAID GET BACK TO WORK!"

Chapter 2

Ian clutched his stomach. He'd never liked train rides much. Groggily, he looked up. His eyes widened at the sight before him. Light brown stone towers crowded the skyline, reaching up from an intricately built castle seaming with kids in back robes and striped scarfs. Animals scurried everywhere. Ian felt a tug on his trouser leg. He looked down.

"AH" He jumped and a furry grey rat flew off into the arms of the red haired boy he had seen on the train.

"Scabbers, what have I told you about eating other people!" Scolded the boy, stroking the rat fondly. Ian edged slowly away, then hid behind a pillar. He narrowed his eyes. Time for his childhood spy games to come in handy!

"Bleuh!"

Harry screwed up his face against the shoey smell emitting from the floor. Ron looked shocked, and Snape was laughing. The teacher tried and failed to muffle the snorting sound he made. Hermione kicked him in the shin.

"Don't trip up students!" she growled through gritted teeth, stepping on Harry's hand in the process.

"But it's _fun_ " whined Snape.

Trying to fit into this school is hard, thought Ian. He ruffled his hair, winking at some passing girls. They looked confused, then turned and carried on.

"Pedophile" one whispered. Ian felt a part of him wilt inside. He wandered off on his quest for answers, only pausing once to stare questionally at a blonde boy eating an apple in the courtyard.

"ALECTO!" Voldemort massaged his temples. "What have I told you about staring at Crabbe's biceps. Hurhhh" He whipped out a crumpled piece of paper with 'Death Eater Seating Plan' written in scruffy pencil. Voldemort studied it, then began scribbling with a pencil he produced from behind his ear.

"Right then, Crabbe you move next to Goyle...and um…Nott you go by Alecto...ugh now Rodolphus isn't in the order...Rodolphus move into the traiter's spot...but that's bad luck, oh who cares I'm the most feared wizard in the world!" He tucked the parchment away and placed his hands in his sleeves.

"Right then," he tilted his head up and tried to look down his nose in a boss-like manner, only to curse under his breath when he remembered he didn't have one, "lets begin."

Goyle whispered something to Crabbe, who stiffled a laugh. A swift glare from Voldemort silenced them. Then, looking smug, he produced a terracotta pot from his cloak and held it up to the non-existent ceiling.

"Onto plan Harry Pots!"

"Potions class" read Ian, grabbing the handle. He peered round the door, eyeing the many desks crammed into the room. It smelt of rotting plants; the walls had several darker patches Ian assumed were from a damp problem. On each desk stood a rusting cauldron, and behind the one nearest the back wall the three kids he had seen on the train tried desperately to salvage a smoking concoction. Closing the door behind him, Ian dropped on all fours; he proceeded to crawl closer to the kids.

"I told you it was the horcux first!" ranted Hermione. Harry pouted, ignoring the fact that Ron was using his cloak to waft the smoke rising ever faster from their cauldron.

"How did we even get horcuxes anyway?" Harry wondered, "I thought they were part of Voldemort or something"

"He auctioned them off," said Hermione matter of factly, "good way to make money. He needs funds for his plan to kill you, ya know."

"Makes sense." said Harry.

"Uuuh, guys?"

Hermione brushed him aside. "Not now, Ron!" Their cauldron was how shaking and hissing. Ron grabbed the nearest thing to him and thrust it over the top to contain the potion. The nearest thing happened to be Umbridge's coat, and the commotion increased in noise as she shrieked at the three.

"THAT'S MY BEST COAT…..YOU LITTLE…...WHHHYYY…..THAT COST £1000 YOU KNOW…..HOW WOULD YOU LIKE DETENTION…."

"Calm your shit, ma'am" Harry spat.

"wATCH YOUR FUCKING LANGUAGE" Hermione and Umbridge yelled in unison.

Now successfully under his target's desk, Ian covered his ears from the shrill shouts above. What on earth is this place! he thought. I ought to get back home, but this is too interesting!

Suddenly, a terracotta pot fell from nowhere and knocked the shrieking woman unconscious. There was an all round audible gasp. A grey skinned man in a cloak appeared on the centre desk. He had no nose, and a poorly lamenated label was pinned over his heart.

"Voldemort!" breathed Ian.

Chapter 3

"I am here….to murder Harry Potter!" Voldemort barked dramatically. No one looked surprised. Harry sighed and drew his wand from his cloak.

He smirked.

"Bring it on"

All hell broke loose. Voldemort and Harry lunged at each other, caught in a brutal battle of spells. Lavender screamed and tripped into the three's smoking liquid. Students began flailing about and attacking the death eaters that appeared. Part of the ceiling collapsed into a group of boys; it smashed open a jar of frogs that flew into the melee. Lavender lay sprawled on the floor, spider legs sprouting from her back. Unfortunately, Professor Umbridge had woken up. Brushing broken pot fragments from her hair, she dazily sat up.

"Oh shut up, Umbridge!" Ron managed to gasp as he sped past, as she started shrieking again due to her fear of frogs. Harry and Voldemort were locked in a fatal stance, if either gave way they would die.

" I...won't….let….you….win!"

"D-Ditto!" Retorted the noseless man.

A few students had got confused and were now beating each other to a pulp. Hermione foamed at the mouth, pushed up her sleeves, and jumped head first into the chaos, knocking Neville aside to get at Alecto.

"WHAT IN DOBBY'S NAME IS GOING ON IN HERE!" hollered Snape, the classroom door reverberating where he had forced it open. He glared at Harry and slammed the door shut. Whacking a laughing Malfoy in the face, he advanced into the din to join the fight. Ian gaped at the scene, his eyes darting from one thing to another. About to make a move for the door, a ringing sound echoed round the room. Everyone froze. Harry and Voldemort looked up from their rock-paper-scissors. Draco looked longingly at the apple he was about to eat, then rolled his eyes towards Ian. Hermione had her fist an inch from Alecto's face. Even Umbridge had graced the crowd with her silence. Ian glanced around. His hand shot down to his pocket. Producing his ringing phone, he said,

"Sorry, let me just take that."

All around, friend and foe watched in anticipation.

"Hello? Oh hi! Yeah, yeah I'm good...you see…..but...it's not really…..I'm kinda busy…...I know gram gram….ok ok….yes bye…..bye…..I have to go now….bye...BYE!" He said the last bye quite forcefully, stuffing it back into his pocket. "Sorry, carry on."

In a split second the room was back to its previous state. There was a scream of "SAVE ME HARRY!" from Cho Chang as she was sent flying by the force of Hermione's punch on Alecto. Voldemort and Harry were now playing a competitive game of twister, Ron cheering Harry on.

"Time to get intimate," whispered Draco to his apple, diving behind an upturned table. Umbridge was beating Snape with her clipboard, while Snape was attacking Crabbe with his new "good night sleep" pillow. This is too much, thought Ian, I need to get out of here. Grabbing a slab of broken desk, he held it up to deflect all the spells and frogs that were flying around. Ducking and weaving, being careful to avoid the table Malfoy had gone behind, Ian finally made it to the door. Slamming it shut behind him, he collapsed infront of the girls he had seen before. They hurried on, Ian looking wistfully after them. He could still hear voices and the odd explosion from the classroom. Ian gathered himself and set off for the train station, wiping a frog from his forehead. The muffled shouts of "Hermione, no!" faded into the distance as Ian reflected on the day.

Wow, he thought, I'm never going to break IKEA pencils again!

 **END**


End file.
